Category: Uncategorised

Imagine a world in which we constantly try to solve problems by treating the consequences only! A world where you have ants in your house all the time and all you do is spray doom. A world where the microwave trips the electricity and all you do is switch the breaker on again and stop using the microwave. It seems silly, right. Call an exterminator… Call an electrician. If not, you are ignoring the real problem. It will never go away if you don’t deal with the actual problem!!

I am not saying that you shouldn’t deal with the consequences. Of course you must. However, if you don’t deal with the problem as well, you will never make any progress. You will end up in an endless spiral where the problem keeps re-appearing.

And that is the problem with the way we tend to deal with bullies. For such a long time, the focus has been on the victim. What can we do for the victim? How can we equip the victim to overcome the problem? Avoid the bully, ignore the bully, stand up for yourself!! These all sound familiar to everyone, right! I am not saying that this type of conventional thinking is wrong. Quite the contrary. I think it is very important to equip victims. However, that cannot be the only thing you do, because then you are only treating the consequences of a greater problem.

The focus should be shifted towards treating the root of the problem. The root of the problem is not the child, but rather the thing or things that make, or encourage him to, behave the way he does.

Here are some common reasons why a bully behaves the way they do:

Frustration: A child might be very frustrated for whatever reason and the only way that they can relive that frustration is through an outburst of some sort. This could be a physical outburst such as punching, kicking, etc. It could also be screaming or yelling. Sometimes it might be a threat.

If you remove or relieve the frustration, there is a very real chance that the bully behaviour could be removed. Removing the source of the frustration is first prize. However, this is not always possible. Then it is important to teach the child the necessary skills to control and deal with his/her frustration. Here it might be a good idea to introduce a hobby or sport, that interests him/her and helps to forget about or relieves him/her of their frustrations. That way they will know that if they are frustrated, they just need to control it till they can get to the sport field or their hobby and then there will be relief.

There are also other techniques, like breathing and counting to ten, etc. I am not that clued up with those. However, the internet is full of wonderful information that can be researched.

Feeling powerful: Controlling someone or forcing them to be submissive is often a way to compensate for your own feelings of inadequacy. That can often be the motivating factor behind bullying behaviour. Someone might feel inadequate because they are not made to feel appreciated. They might feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. A simple solution might be to compliment a a person on something they have done well or right. Remind them that they are special.

People often fall into the trap of comparing themselves to others. They compare their own abilities on a sports field, academically etc. to someone whom is a lot stronger than they are. Their inability to match up will make them feel inadequate. These people need to be reminded that their skills, talents or abilities lie somewhere else. Even though it is not in the traditionally noticed and recognised areas, it is still important. Constant positive reinforcement can do no harm. They can also be reminded that their skills or talents might develop at a later stage. Discussing their interests with them and spending some time in their company will help them feel appreciated and also help to identify strong points.

Attention seeking: Whether it is because they feel neglected or have a low self-esteem, bullying behaviour is often a way to draw attention to ones self. They have a void that needs to be filled and the negative behaviour is a way to do it. Filling that void is the only way to change the behaviour.

How to modify bullying behaviour:

Yelling at and threatening a bully is never really the solution. The only way to change their behaviour is to change the thing that is making them behave that way. Step 1 is to find a way to explain to them how their behaviour is making their victim(s) feel. Helping them understand why that is wrong, is very important.

Here are some techniques or ideas that might help to modify behaviour:

1. Give the person a sense of self worth.

2. Encourage the person to find alternative outlets to their frustration.

3. Use role-playing games or examples to simulate how the bullying makes their victims feel.

4. Enforce strict consequences on bullying behaviour.

5. Reinforce good values such as respect for others. Talk about it all the time.

6. Give that person an opportunity to excell at something in front of his/ her peers.   And then compliment them on it.

7. Give that person responsibilities. It will improve their sense of self worth.